I'm sure this will be funny to no one, but last year the advertising agency I work for had a company golf outing. In an attempt to help some less experienced members of our staff, I typed up a few unwritten and understood rules for most golf outings. As you can imagine we had a good time. Here they are:
Just in case any of you haven’t played in a scramble, I wanted to send out some pretty common rules that most scrambles follow.
1) We play best ball on every shot.
2) You must use at least one tee shot from each player.
3) If any player is taller than 6’2” or shorter than 5’9” you must play there second shot on any odd number hole.
4) In order to determine who putts first, add your zip code and phone number to your social security number. The player with the lowest sum number putts first.
5) If any ball enters a water hazard it must be retrieved using a breaststroke or backstroke. No doggie paddle.
6) On holes 2 through 6, you may only use Irons 7 – 9. However you may tee off with a 6 wood (the rarest of all clubs) or your umbrella.
7) If any player wishes to mark their ball on a green, she or he must use a U.S. coin minted prior to 1978. The coin must be placed face up and you must recite the first two sentences or the appearing presidents first state of the union address. (Here’s a helping hand: George Washington’s started like this. “Wow, this is pretty cool. I don’t know what to say. Nobody has ever done this before. LOL.” And yes he said LOL)
8) At no time shall any player yell, “get in the hole.” This offense is punishable by death.
9) Any divots must be replaced. However, please take photos of any divots larger than a dinner plate for display at the dinner preceding the outing.
10) If at any time you see a ranger signaling you speed up play, Don’t panic. Simple pick up your ball and throw it at his cart. Then run away.
11) The secret to hitting into the clowns mouth on hole 7 is to start your swing when his mouth is shut. (This isn’t a rule as much as a hint for anyone who hasn’t played a course as nice as Oakhurst.)
12) Any balls found on the course are yours to keep. Unless they say ProV1 on the side. That’s my ball. I lost it last year. Please return it.
13) All golf bags will be inspected upon arrival. There will be a 6-stroke penalty for any player whose bag weighs more than Eva’s dog (which is near impossible). Also if you are carrying any driver will a head larger than a soft ball or any sort of meniscus training club you will not be charged a penalty, but you must stand on tee number 1 alone while the rest of us hurl light-hearted insults at you.
14) If any male fails to hit his drive past the woman’s tee the customary ritual will be waved (men you know what I’m talking about). In its place, every other team member will give that player a hug and say to them “It’s all right big guy. I know you’ve been stressed at work. These sorts of things happen. You’ll knock the snot out of it next time.”
15) Please drive the golf carts responsibly. By that I mean, try to keep at least two wheels on the ground.
16) Please take extra care to groom all sand traps after use. This rule is very important since according to Al Gore The North Pole and most of the Contiguous United States will resemble a sand trap in the next 3-5 years. (p.s. to all Al Gore fans. I know he didn’t say this. I’m just playing on a stereotype. It’s what hack writers do to make themselves sound funny.)
17) No part of your score will be linked to a time component. So, take your time and enjoy the outing. However there will be a timed proofreading/resizing competition at Dan’s house after the outing to determine who gets control of the TV remote during lunch. Fun.
18) If at any point you hit a hole-in-one drop your clubs, go home, and relax. You have won the golf outing and will be paid a full-year’s salary for sitting at home. (Disclaimer: this rule applies only to par 5 holes)
19) In case you were not aware, the DB&A flowchart is determined by your performance in the golf outing.
20) Golf is life the rest is just details (if you own a shirt that says that, you are required to wear it, provided that it has both sleeves and a collar, both of which are highly unlikely.)
21) Have fun. That’s a rule.
1) We play best ball on every shot.
2) You must use at least one tee shot from each player.
3) If any player is taller than 6’2” or shorter than 5’9” you must play there second shot on any odd number hole.
4) In order to determine who putts first, add your zip code and phone number to your social security number. The player with the lowest sum number putts first.
5) If any ball enters a water hazard it must be retrieved using a breaststroke or backstroke. No doggie paddle.
6) On holes 2 through 6, you may only use Irons 7 – 9. However you may tee off with a 6 wood (the rarest of all clubs) or your umbrella.
7) If any player wishes to mark their ball on a green, she or he must use a U.S. coin minted prior to 1978. The coin must be placed face up and you must recite the first two sentences or the appearing presidents first state of the union address. (Here’s a helping hand: George Washington’s started like this. “Wow, this is pretty cool. I don’t know what to say. Nobody has ever done this before. LOL.” And yes he said LOL)
8) At no time shall any player yell, “get in the hole.” This offense is punishable by death.
9) Any divots must be replaced. However, please take photos of any divots larger than a dinner plate for display at the dinner preceding the outing.
10) If at any time you see a ranger signaling you speed up play, Don’t panic. Simple pick up your ball and throw it at his cart. Then run away.
11) The secret to hitting into the clowns mouth on hole 7 is to start your swing when his mouth is shut. (This isn’t a rule as much as a hint for anyone who hasn’t played a course as nice as Oakhurst.)
12) Any balls found on the course are yours to keep. Unless they say ProV1 on the side. That’s my ball. I lost it last year. Please return it.
13) All golf bags will be inspected upon arrival. There will be a 6-stroke penalty for any player whose bag weighs more than Eva’s dog (which is near impossible). Also if you are carrying any driver will a head larger than a soft ball or any sort of meniscus training club you will not be charged a penalty, but you must stand on tee number 1 alone while the rest of us hurl light-hearted insults at you.
14) If any male fails to hit his drive past the woman’s tee the customary ritual will be waved (men you know what I’m talking about). In its place, every other team member will give that player a hug and say to them “It’s all right big guy. I know you’ve been stressed at work. These sorts of things happen. You’ll knock the snot out of it next time.”
15) Please drive the golf carts responsibly. By that I mean, try to keep at least two wheels on the ground.
16) Please take extra care to groom all sand traps after use. This rule is very important since according to Al Gore The North Pole and most of the Contiguous United States will resemble a sand trap in the next 3-5 years. (p.s. to all Al Gore fans. I know he didn’t say this. I’m just playing on a stereotype. It’s what hack writers do to make themselves sound funny.)
17) No part of your score will be linked to a time component. So, take your time and enjoy the outing. However there will be a timed proofreading/resizing competition at Dan’s house after the outing to determine who gets control of the TV remote during lunch. Fun.
18) If at any point you hit a hole-in-one drop your clubs, go home, and relax. You have won the golf outing and will be paid a full-year’s salary for sitting at home. (Disclaimer: this rule applies only to par 5 holes)
19) In case you were not aware, the DB&A flowchart is determined by your performance in the golf outing.
20) Golf is life the rest is just details (if you own a shirt that says that, you are required to wear it, provided that it has both sleeves and a collar, both of which are highly unlikely.)
21) Have fun. That’s a rule.
